Larry's Change(A Mario FF)

I Submitted this to LL, but it got rejected. Just tell me how it is.



Sorry, but I decided the last time I got this that it will not be posted.
Close decision but I had to pass, it's not written well enough.

-Lemmy Koopa
Webmaster of Lemmy's Land
http://www.lemmykoopa.com/

> To Lemmy: Note sure if you got it, so resending it.
>
>
> After another dungeon stay for being too kind hearted, Larry was starting
> to think.
>
>
> " Why should I be evil " He thought. " No one ever treats me right over on
> the evil side anyway. "
>
> Roy walked into the room.
>
> " Hey, Larry. "
>
> " Hello, Roy. "
>
> Roy thought. There is something wrong with him. His face Looks troubled.
>
> " Roy, I'm leaving. "
>
> " What? "
>
> " You heard me."
>
> " But why? "
>
> " I don't feel like anyone cares about anything but power over here
> anymore. "
>
> " Well, that doesn't Mean you have to leave. "
>
> " Roy, you don't understand. I'm tired of hurting innocent people in a
> quest for power that will never be quenched."
>
> " Please change your mind. "
>
> " I'm sorry, but that I can't do. "
>
> " So, I guess this means goodbye... "
>
> " I Guess so. "
>
> Roy then ran out of the room, not wanting his little brother see him cry.
>
> " I wonder what life has in store for me. "
>
>
> " More than you think Larry, More than you think. "
>
> " Whose there? "
>
> " It's just your old Keeper. "
>
> " Kamek? "
>
> Kamek floated down from the ceiling on his broomstick.
>
> " Shoulda Known. "
>
> " Well master Larry, goodbye."
>
> " You mean you Aren't going to stop me? "
>
> " No, master Larry. Go with your heart. " You have my blessing. "
>
> " Thank You Kamek... "
>
> " Good Luck. "
>
> " Goodbye... "
>
> Larry exits the castle. He then smooths his hair down, and sprays it
> White.
>
> " I Wonder where i should go, " Larry thought.
>
> He saw a sign that said...
>
> Toad Town Ferry to Lavalava island leaves the 23 of Krenta. ( Their
> equivalent of May)
>
>
> " There we go. "
>
> Larry runs toward the Toad Town, passing beautiful Flowers and trees with
> Many birds chirping Songs in them. He then sees the main gate.
>
> " Okay, Krenta 23 is tomorrow, giving me enough time to get some supplies
> and learn more about the Jungle. "
>
> Larry Finds a hotel.
>
> " One room for one night for one, please. "
>
> " That will be 39 coins. "
>
> " Here you go. "
>
> " Here is your room key ". Your room is 422. "
>
> " Thank you. "
>
> " No problem. "
>
> Larry goes up stairs and unpacks his few supplies, and then get out of the
> hotel to enjoy Toad Town.
>
> " Better think of an alias. "
>
> The alias he thinks up is Larson Koopster.
>
> " Okay, that will work. "
>
> He then starts wondering what will happen next.
>
>
> Larry walked toward the Toad Town shop.
>
>
> " Well, guess I'd better get some supplies before taking off. "
>
> He then walked into the Shop and approached the Clerk.
>
> " Hello, My name Is Shop. T. Would you like to buy something? "
>
> " Yes, I'll take three Mushrooms, 1 tasty tonic, and that will be all. "
>
> " 23 Coins, please. "
>
> " Here. "
>
> " Thank you. "
>
> Larry
> Raced back to his hotel room, where he gets some sleep. The next
> morning, he packed, Checked out of the hotel room, and walked to Toad
> Town Docks.
>
>
> " Okay, so the ferry costs 35 coins. "
>
> A Toad walked up.
>
> " Hiya. are you going to Lavalava Island as well? "
>
> " Yep. "
>
> " Alright, lets be friends! "
>
> " Ok. What's your name? "
>
> " Hice T."
>
> Larry thought. " This guy seems nice enough. "
>
> " All aboard! "
>
> " Okay, that's the call. Lets go. "
>
> " By the way, What's your name? "
>
> " Larson Koopster. "
>
> The beautiful Sea had a wondrous breeze blowing gently over it. It smelled
> like the beautiful Sea.
>
> " What a nice day to travel, am I correct, Larson? "
>
> " Very so, Hice. "
>
> Larry then thought. " I've already got a friend to enjoy the world with
> me.
>
> Life had Many wondrous things in store for Larry.
>
> Larry Wandered around the ferry, looking for something to do.
>
> " Ah, there is the swimming pool. "
>
> " Well, do you want to go in? Hice Said.
>
> " Sure. "
>
> The two enjoyed the sparkling clean Fresh water for a Hour.
>
> " Ferry docking in LavaLava Island will arrive at LavaLava Island in A
> Half hour. "
>
> " There's our Place."
>
> " You're right, Hice."
>
> 30 Minutes later...
>
> " Passenger's may now get off the ferry."
>
> " Let's go, Larson. " Hice said.
>
> " Ok. "
>
> Larry and Hice exit the boat and walk toward the inn.
>
> " Hi, Room for two,please. "
>
> " 56 Coins. "
>
> " Okay."
>
> "Here is your Room key. "
>
> The two race to the room that they were assigned.
>
> " Look outside! " Hice said.
>
> " What is it? "
>
> " There are these big adult Yoshi's beating on a small one. "
>
> " Let's help him! "
>
> " Let's go! "
>
> The two race outside to help the Yoshi. The gang sees them, and their
> leader comes forward. A Big, hulking Yoshi.
>
> " What do you want? " The big Yoshi snarled.
>
> " Stop whaling on that kid! " Larry Yelled.
>
> " And how will you stop me? "
>
> " Like this! "
>
> Larry punches the Yoshi straight in the nose. He falls over. The other
> Yoshi's gasp. Then, they move threateningly Toward him.
>
> " Oh DAD." Larry Thought.
>
> Suddenly, a Snift wearing A Green robe jumps out of the Bushes Snarling.
>
> " And what are you doing to these poor kids? "
>
> The Yoshi gang gasped. And then they picked up their leader and ran. But
> first one of them said to Larry And Hice:
>
> " This isn't over. "
>
> Larry and Hice turned to thank the Snift. But, it was gone, along with the
> Yoshi.
>
> "Where did that Snift go?" Hice Exclaimed.
>
> " No clue. " Larry Replied.
>
> " Good punch, Larson! "
>
> "I'm a black belt in Kooprate. "
>
> " Wow. "
>
> " Well, let's get some sleep now, okay? "
>
> " Sure. "
>
> To be continued
>
>
>

How it is?

... Hmmm... Didn't Iggy run away in my one scribbles?
Anyways, I think you need to say who' talking a little bit more, it gets confusing.
And... I'm sorry to tell you this... but nothing very interesting happens until the end... but that alsoo happens a little too fast....
Try adding the next part, too. Wendy's in Danger needed two to get it excepted...

It's my first attempt at Prose format, so It all new to me.

What's prose........

MY GOD, I GO TO SCHOOL, WHY DON'T I KNOW THIS!

Isn't prose use for writing?? But I forgot what type it is....

Wow, this is a good story, but you need some work on this though. It doesn't get interesting until in the end, so meaning to say, you'll have to work on like... I dunno, work on Larry's problem, then slowley in the story, he starts to change, and that's when it starts to get interesting.

But above all, really nice work! I wish Lemmy would've accepted it though.

I know how it feels to be critized by something you did hard on. I tried my first FF but Lemmy said it wasn't good enough. At the same time, I was really mad at him and mad at myself because I didn't work hard enough. But I learned from those mistakes, and hopefully he'll except the next one.

Cool! So what is it going to be about?

I told you about it at school... it's when- I rather let you read it when it's done. Come to think of it, I haven't worked on it in a long time.... I think I'll start on it PRONTO!

Yeah, I already have to FF's, So maybe he thinks they need to be super-good. And it's not an action story,It's more of a drama

Wow... I feal guilty...
Lemmy said he was exited to post Wendy's in Danger...
But again... maybe more... maybe stop copying my scribble.

Maybe one of these days, I'll write a FF for LL. But it takes too much time, so I don't know if I'll ever do it.

maybe they need to be longer?

I never wrote a fun fic before, duh! xD So I don't know how it could've been longer.

Probably so. When I sent mine to Lemmy, he did say it was to short to be a FF. He said it could be a scribble, but I pushed on to keep going. Now, it's just sitting in my "My Documents" folder.... Old and Alone.

iStella wrote:Probably so. When I sent mine to Lemmy, he did say it was to short to be a FF. He said it could be a scribble, but I pushed on to keep going. Now, it's just sitting in my "My Documents" folder.... Old and Alone.

I did that once...
"Geno and Mallows Awesome Adventure... never submited or complete.

I don't like it when Lemmy rejects our submissions. Well, nobody does.

Yeah... but It's even worse when they get ecepted but then get bad reviews...

NOOO NOT THE REVIEWS

My FF's have never been reviewed... Well, One of them cold have been...

I'll go read one... check your Email soon...

You know what? The first day when I joined Lemmy's Land, I decided to write a FF about Jr. Troopa's revenge. And Lemmy said "Sorry, I can't accept this. I only post completed stories." well, something like that, and I put "to be continued" at the end of my story, because I saw that statement on other people's FFs and I thought they put that there when Lemmy said to me there's actually another part to other tourists FFs...

It was kinda confusing when I first joined Lemmy's Land.

Maybe he thought you weren't gonna finish?
Ask him!

Oh, and Bandy.... no offence... but maybe he didn't except it because you never finish your FFs...........

I'm writing Paper Mario 4: Right now.

Awesome, excited to read it!